It's been a while since my last post. I've been depressed and anxious, exited and busy, and quite frankly, I've been thinking far more than I should be. Though I'm totally exited and happy about getting married, I keep putting off doing things like calling UC to see if I need to take the ACT or SAT, or whatever, and I've been putting off getting the tuxes for the groomsmen and myself (though I'm going with my brother as soon as he calls me today). I want to write my stories, but I don't have the capacity to do so just yet. My vocal range has improved in notes I can carry, but I've lost that unique sound my voice used to have. I've started writing songs again, but only in pieces. Like I can't see through the veil that separates my conscious mind from that place I get my songs. I feel too stuck in the material world, worrying about our finances and future, freaking out at my own procrastination... I'm out of touch with that other me.
Oh well. Some things are good (those that aren't great or totally screwed up).
It just makes me feel so afraid and vulnerable that I can't connect with that primal, ethereal essence I was known for perceiving before I had things to worry about. And worse, I'm spending so much time worrying that I'm not getting anything done anyway. I'm starting to feel like I just can't function in 'normal' society. That's what's scary. I'd fit in better in some era like the Dark Ages or something, where people like myself would have a place in the world outside our homes.
I'm just rambling I suppose. I'll post this in Shadows as well. Someone there will sympathize, or imagine they can at least. I really don't know how anyone can accurately describe this kind of terrible discontent. Again, it's the blind, the one-eyes, the liars and lied-to. No one's ever to blame for trying, but each is to blame when we fail.
I'm gonna get some sleep.
[this post was copied from my own journal]